Mike: Hello! I’m Mike Johnson.
Lisa: And I’m Lisa Peterman. Here is the KOLDest News!
Mike: A power outage on the west strip led to a mix-up at the new Cody Labs.
It seems the lab accidentally loaded PREPARATION H into a batch of Rogaine.
Only one person actually used the mixed-up product and he is fine.
However, there isn't a barber in town who will touch him.
Lisa: The city of Powell launched a free bicycle program last month.
Powell residents could grab one of the 500 free bikes, ride it all day, and leave it at their favorite place for the next person.
Unfortunately, the program was cancelled within two days because all the bikes ended up in Cody.
Mike: Police had to be called in to direct traffic at a Lovell gas station yesterday.
Lovell residents lined up all the way to Byron after an innovative station owner lowered his price from $3 a gallon to just 75 cents a quart.
Lisa: In an effort to copy the Cody Rotary Club, the Cody Lions Club decided to mulch Christmas trees as a community service project.
The Rotary mulching went fine but paramedics had to be called to the Lion’s event when spectators were hit by shrapnel from aluminum trees.
Mike: Bud Webster was rushed to the hospital after being assaulted by a customer.
When Bud told the man he would not repair his vehicle because he did not buy it at Bud’s dealership, the man kicked Bud’s leg, breaking it.
Bud was immediately transported to West Park Hospital, which refused to fix Bud’s leg, because he wasn’t born there.
Lisa: In an effort to shore-up confidence in the US banking system, American banks have discontinued the use of the United States Dollar & replaced it with Cody Bucks.
Treasury officials promise that inflation rates will drop significantly because the Cody Chamber only has one copy machine.
Mike: Sad news from Powell. The historic mayor's mansion was destroyed by fire last night.
Although the famous landmark was lost, without the valiant efforts of firefighters, the entire trailer park would’ve burned down.
(90-second parody commercial break) Print Your Nation's Money!
Lisa: A Big Horn County entrepreneur has opened a new historical attraction called the “Lovell DNA Museum.”
The attraction consists of a microscope with a single slide.
Lovell residents can now look through the lens and gaze upon the DNA of EVERY Lovell resident who has ever lived.
Or they can just put their arm under the lens and see the same thing.
Mike: Jeannie Nelson, co-owner of First National Bank, recently bought the Plush Pony clothing store.
Now when their loan officers take the shirt off your back, you can easily purchase a new one.
Lisa: In an effort to compete with Dollar Stores, downtown merchants are responding with a clever idea called Nothing Stores.
The stores have no inventory, no employees, and no signage.
The concept is so popular along Sheridan Avenue that 3 different merchants have converted to Nothing Stores in the past few months.
Mike: To raise desperately-needed funding, the Buffalo Bill Historical Center announced it has been purchased by Deadwood, South Dakota.
Deadwood officials assure museum customers that nothing will change, they’ll still be served by the same local people, and the Wild Bill Hickok Historical Center will stay right here in Cody.
Lisa: The Chamber Visitor Center wasn’t the only place that doubled its number of visitors by improving its signage.
The city of Powell tripled its number of visitors by changing its town entrance signs to read “CODY.”
Mike: The Cody Enterprise is now operating without ANY journalists at all. They rely entirely on AI.
The new owner says no one has noticed because any perceived intelligence there has been artificial for years.
Lisa: For the second year in a row, Yellowstone Superintendent Suzanne Lewis delayed the opening of the east gate.
So Dairy Queen created a new ice cream novelty in her honor.
It’s dipped in confusion, surrounded by nuts and has a stick up its butt.
They call it the Dilly-Dally Bar.
Mike: The COLT bus released its 2004 route today.
The bus will transport passengers from one end of town to the other.
To save costs, the bus will never move.
Operators discovered the bus is so large that passengers can enter the front of the vehicle at Albertson's, walk the length of the bus and then depart out the back at Old Trail Town.
Lisa: The Yellowstone Quake hockey team has attracted so many fans that when they cheer, they almost blow the roof off the Riley Arena.
Structural engineers performed an inspection and discovered there is no danger because no matter how much the crowd is able to blow, the Quake hockey team sucks more.
Mike: Participation tripled at the Powell Jazz Festival after someone spiked the punchbowl with Viagra.
Band Director Brad Constantine said, “In all my years of leading this festival I’ve never seen so many tromboners.”
Lisa: And that’s all the KOLD News!
Mike: Goodnight everybody!
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